Before I left my previous job, my manager in his almost drunk state of mind, said something nice. He said “don’t let people bully you over there”. I don’t understand what did he mean at the time. But now I do. In my first month of being here, I got stuck between one meeting to another. That drove me crazy. I finally left the company who has been developing me in many ways for almost 10 years and decided to be a housewife.

Always complaining about work, i never realized that being housewives are actually worse. I don’t know how to start the day with the feeling that today is going to be great anymore since my day seems always the same. The funny thing is, when i was in college, everytime i am being asked where do i see myself in the next 10 years. I always answer that i am a housewife or a farmer or both. I told them i am imagining a relaxing life with my family and no stress. That’s why i said earlier how sometime i think God hear me. Whatever i said and wish, it comes true….not sure that i am grateful now of being a housewife…but so far i am still standing.

I quit my job a year ago, and since then i’ve been thinking about it over and over whether it was the right decision. Many of my friends was regretting the decision i’ve made saying i trash my opportunity to be somebody. But i told them how i am sure my decision was right. I am much happier now, that’s for sure. But what made me keep looking back is that i have this worry how someday, maybe 10 years from now, if i will meet a friend and found them much richer than me. That’s all the worry i have. Shallow as it may sound, i keep thinking about it. I know there are always people richer than us, everywhere in the world, except maybe Bill Gates. But my point is not only about competition on money. More to the possibility i can give myself with money. I am afraid of feeling horrible when my friends can afford fancy vacation and i cannot, i am afraid of being jealous if they would wear something nice to a dinner and i look like people living on the street.

It’s just the greedy part of me, that keep me from dragging myself from the past. The career is over and a new career is waiting for me. The truth denial is probably on the fact how i actually feel incomplete about being housewives only. Far from being grateful that now i can do things without the need to make money.

I keep telling myself that being housewives only is ok because i don’t want to admit to friends that deep down inside i feel something missing – i don’t want to admit that their regret when i quit the job was right and my decision was a blow, but i am denying myself. Thus i started looking at university, try to reach a master degree to make myself better, learning a new language and doing things to occupy myself. People do need to achieve something, and that’s maybe what is missing from me. I quit the job because it was no longer giving me fulfillment but apparently the journey to find fulfillment is not easy. When i have all the time in the world, i am still struggling to juggle which one will be good for my soul. I hope i find enlightenment from other housewives on how they fill that void in their soul, the feeling of useful and complete.

Saya mau cerita tentang ibu pejabat disini. Memang di Indonesia, kegiatan ibu pejabat itu tidak terlalu diekspose media sebanyak kegiatan artis dalam arti masyarakat kita tidak terlalu tertarik melihat laporan kegiatan ibu pejabat. Infotainment kegiatan artis lebih menarik daripada kegiatan ibu pejabat yang protokoler dan membosankan. Namun sekarang masing-masing pejabat sudah punya website, jadi seringkali saya baca kegiatan istri pejabat ini yang mengadakan kunjungan kesana kemari, memberikan pidato, memberi sumbangan ini itu. Nah hal-hal seperti itu sebetulnya tidak ada nilai prestasinya bagi sang individu si istri pejabat ini. Dan saya sama sekali tidak terkesan dengan apa yang saya baca di website.

Pertama, ibu pejabat seringkali ada di posisi tersebut hanya karena dia istri “seseorang” (entah itu presiden, menteri dsb) jadi kualifikasinya juga diragukan. Karena suami yang berpotensi tidak membuat sang istri otomatis juga punya potensi yang seimbang. Kedua, semua pidato yang diberikan sama sekali tidak mencerminkan nilai yang ingin mereka sampaikan (entah itu pendapat, nasehat, dan sebagainya) karena toh yang mereka lakukan hanya membaca naskah pidato yang dibuat orang lain. Ketiga, dalam hal adanya sumbangan, ini tidak mencerminkan semangat mereka menderma karena toh sumbangan yang diberikan diambil dari anggaran negara (dana taktis/biaya operasional yang jumlahnya ratusan juta untuk sang suami plus jumlah yang setara untuk sang istri) dan bukan dari kantong mereka sendiri. Bahkan, saya tahu ada beberapa ibu pejabat yang pelit, ingin memakai biaya operasional ini untuk kepentingan mereka sendiri, sehingga dalam setiap kunjungan malah mendorong pihak lain (entah itu pihak swasta atau instansi pemerintah lain yang dianggap bertanggung jawab) untuk memberikan sumbangan. Si ibu pejabatnya sendiri cuma pasang muka (secara resminya sih yang menyerahkan sumbangan si ibu, tapi asalnya darimana tidak perlu disebutkan karena dia ingin dapat pujian).

Hal lain yang saya risih sekali dengan ibu pejabat Indonesia adalah dandanannya. Saat ada pertemuan pemimpin dunia atau misal sedang ada tamu negara yang berkunjung, dijamin dandanan istri pejabat indonesia itu paling norak sendiri. Sanggulnya besaaaarrrr sekali, plus jambulnya setinggi langit (sekarang ini menurut saya yang jadi juara dalam hal jambul adalah ibu tetty sugiarti, istri panglima tni agus suhartono), plus make up nya 5 senti. Kenapa ya perlu menor begitu? Yang ada juga istri pejabat yang memang sudah tidak cantik jadi lebih tidak cantik lagi. Kenapa sih tidak pakai kebaya biasa, trus dandanannya simple sehingga jalan juga tidak susah. Di era yang modern seperti ini, apalagi saat tampil bersama dengan istri pejabat dunia, kenapa sih tida berusaha mengikuti profil yang lebih modern, lebih aktif, dan lebih edukatif. Gimana kita mau percaya kalau kegiatan pejabat itu aktif memajukan hal-hal yang positif, kalau dari segi penampilan saja gerakannya lambat (gara-gara kebayanya terlalu ribet). Jelas-jelas menunjukkan kalau sebenarnya yang aktif bergerak hanya staffnya saja, sementara pejabat dan istrinya cuma baca hasil kerja para staff ini di depan khayalak ramai.

Trus lebih malunya lagi, sebagian ibu pejabat kita itu gendut-gendut. Saya bukannya mau melecehkan mereka yah, soalnya sang suami yang notabene pejabatnya sendiri juga setelah jadi pejabat makin hari makin lebar. Pejabat itu kan staffnya banyak, dari sekian banyak staff kenapa tidak punya ahli gizi dan ahli olahraga yang diwajibkan mengatur jumlah makanan yang mereka boleh makan dan jumlah olahraga yang harus mereka lakukan untuk membuat diri lebih sehat. Kalau sakit kan, yang bayar juga negara….bikin boros anggaran saja. Menyedihkan!

Most of them are kind, happy hearted, full of attention and not making themselves as the center of the world. It is amazing on how kids can teach us something in this life. Lets compare, most of my friends who live without kids, all they can think about is make up, shopping, shoes, handbag, and advance method on how to empty their husband pocket (and bank account!). Then see the one with kids, they think about how to make fun with the kids, scheduling play date, learning how to cook healthy food, and as the extension, they learn how to be creative, how to be more attentive to the kids and to others.

I know is not fair to pull a straight line between the one with and without kids. As not evertyhing fell into certain categories. Yes, there is some people with kids who are still egocentric and doens’t care about anything else. And Yes, there is some people without kids who is very kind and attentive. But most of the time, the straight line are good enough to divide people into certain group. At least for the common household.

And here is come my thinking, I want to use every opportunity to be a better person, and if kids can help me to do so and be one of those opportunity, then I want it. Plus after several opportunities on proving how magical my mum’s prayer could be, i asked myself…if i could ever bring that kind of magic into someone else’s world, why shouldn’t i?

I noticed a friend, who spends most of her time in the web world. Chatting, blogging, surfing etc (sounds very much like myself). So I was several times spending the night with her family, when I see how every night they went to sleep on an extremely different time. My friend who is not working, slept at about 3.30 am, while her husband went to bed early. He was then wake up at 6 am to get ready for work. And at many occasions his wife is sleeping in the sofa while he went to the bedroom. Another friend mentioned how they only made love 3 times in their 2 years of marriage. 3 TIMES!! YES…you got it right. I can say i made love 3 times (at least!) in a day.

Isn’t it sad? Or is it me being too judgemental? Probably meant nothing, but you know…when my husband go to bed, I always want to go to bed with him. So we can talk before we sleep and I can cuddle him in my sleep. And probably if the lust and passion is not there anymore, I wouldn’t be able to stand anymore to live together. Seems like living with your big brother.

Some cynics might say is because I am a newlywed, thus I still keep the lust inside me. But isn’t it has to be like that for all live as the promise we made on the altar? I will love you and be with you forever. How can you love without lust? and how can you be together forever without passion? How can you enjoy the wink and smile in front of public only known between you two.

So it has to be there…has to be still there…all the time.

Few years back, when I was still a damn poor student. No income (well…I was actually working as a tutor, but making not that much), only family support and some pocket money from my grandparents. I’ve never dreamt I can be as what I am now. All i want after graduation was a job that make enough money for me to live. My mind was much simpler back then. Thinking world revolve only around food and place to live. There was once, my classmate, laughing his ass off after hearing what I’ve said that I will accept any job with salary 50USD/month or higher. He said 50USD/month will bring me nowhere.

But then, it was my turn to laugh at him. Because I was making much more than 50USD/month while he only making about 100USD/month. I didn’t say I really did laughing back at him. My point was back to the reality how things always the controversy of what I’ve imagined (and I’ve said right after imagining). But beside those, I also realize something. It’s actually not making much different, whether you are making 100USD/month or making 1000USD/month or maybe 10,000USD/month. You probably will own much more when you earn more. You probably have the chance to try more in life, but the reality bring us back to the same point. The feeling, the hapiness, the taste, it’s the same. The more you earn, the more you need. And you still need to balance your earning and your spending, no matter what.

So…at the end of the day, you can only be as rich as what you feel. Like someone said…being rich, being happy, being healthy, all of those things we are trying to achieve, is simply a state of mind. Something you put in your head. I am rich if i feel rich, I am happy if i feel happy, and i am healthy as i feel healthy. Walk through it, feel it and be grateful for it….

Have a happy, healthy and rich day, everyone!

I would probably shouldn’t judge. But a friend of mine asked me a favor and as part of the favor, she needs to have someone picking up something from my side. She told me it’s her driver that is going to come to see me when finally I found the fact that this guy is her relative. Why did she need to mention him as her driver? For me, is something mean to do to your relative. How can you do that to your own relative? Another example is when people are just so ashamed about where they live. I don’t understand the part of being ashamed of a house where you share the “real” happiness and love for years.

It’s probably the capitalist side of the world who taught us different value to what we used to know. Where things are judged on the beauty of th outside. Someone’s value is measured on what they own. As a normal human being, I admit I’m not far away from being capitalist. I want to be rich and I try to reach the sparkle of the life which is money, beautiful stuff, expensive brands, etc. But if someone want to come and visit me in my unbelievably messy little corner, then they are very much welcome to do so. The thing is…yeah, nobody ever want to visit me…since I’m boring hihihihihihi. Or if they want to come over and stay in my grandmother’s house located in a suburb of Yogyakarta, I would welcome them too and I believe my grandmother will welcome them even more in a much nicer way than I would.

I’m not ashamed to admit I came from a poor family. My mother used to live in a house made of bamboo, that’s what my grandmother’s house made of. I have relatives who doesn’t own a house and live in a rented place, got damaged every now and then by flood who’s coming and going. I have a chinese relatives from my dad’s side who is completely uneducated, live in a muddy traditional market area, and all they do for a living is buy and sell things. I don’t even understand on how the status of my relative is affecting my status as I am now. I’m a firm believer that my condition is something that I earn. It doesn’t matter where I came from, no matter how poor my family are, what I am now is simply because what I do.

And if we look at the background of many famous people, many of them came from a very poor place but none of it does seem really matter. Because at the end of the day, your family is the one who accept you in any condition. It’s the blood that connects.

Is it me being too selfish, or is it me being too busy, or is it me just cannot put my head into personal matter. If there is one person I put my attention, it will be (and even this is still a probability) my husband. Of course, that is the feeling I got….I hope my husband feel the attention I am giving him

But then, is it just a matter of remembering dates? Because even when I remember many things related to date, I never really had people close to me. Maybe I just don’t have the capability. Do you notice how when woman meets, they usually hug and kiss. I can’t do it. Well I can, but it was not something come from my heart. Because if not thinking about the rejection feeling of other people might get, my auto response when meeting people is to shake hand. And thats about it.

There is one more thing coming to mind, it’s the art of giving. I don’t really give. You know there is this type of woman, whenever she comes for a visit – she has a cake on her hand. I would never even think to find a cake prior to any visit to friends. Since most of the time, I am late and doing things in the last minute. And then there’s another type when someone sad or down, they always have the right gesture or words to say to endear the sad one. Me…most of the time will only stand there and do nothing for confuse of what to say or to do. Whether I will say the right word to help them pass through the problem, or will I just make things getting worse.

Yes there is a price I pay for not being a lovable person. Noone ask me whenever I have problem or whenever I am sad. Not because they don’t care, but because sometime I just don’t share nor open myself to people. Or there’s noone checking me if i am ok. There was one thing touch my heart this afternoon, when I came back to the office after planning to fly for holiday (which I had to postpone due to office related problem). A friend of mine, he came to the floor where I have my cubicle in. We somehow met in the lift, so I asked him “who do you want to see?” and he replied “you”. Of course I laughed. Since it’s not common people come to the office to find me. And he said “I’m just checking. I want to make sure you are OK”. I stopped laughing immediately. The feeling I got when he said that….is the same to the feeling I got when my husband hugged me while saying “Let me take the load out of you”.

Well…you can put it back on my face that the reason I don’t really care how i look in a picture is because I’m not pretty. Maybe it is. But personally, i would prefer to have a picture that is real. Not something people modify using a a photo editor software. I used to hate when my parents asked me to do some make up and make a family portrait. A nice family protrait for me should not be made in a studio, it will be nicer to have one from our own living room – when we are all in jeans (and not in kebaya, Indonesian traditional wear), laughing and looks real. That’s also why I’m all against pre wedding picture, where all looks pretty and romantic but fake (how can it not be fake, when the picture set was in a forest and the bride wearing high heel…who will be so insane to wear high heel in a forest? let me tell you…is the bride in the picture, must be insane because of love hehehehe…very cynical comment, yea? but that is how it looks to me).

I don’t really think life is need to be filled with so many unreal thing, I found it tiring to live in fake things. And trust me, noone pay attention – except the one so much trying to judge people appearance, which is basically the last person in ur life you want to impress or to be friend with in this matter. If you do want to look pretty, do it for your husband – when you are home, when you are out only with him, when you want to impress him and everyone meant to you that much, everyone who appreciate you that much, deeper than just a skin deep.

Is not easy, you know…to be able to tell yourself  ”I don’t need it”, especially when you are standing in front of an Italian designer handbag which is amazingly beautiful as if it is made specially for you. It can be anything outside handbag and shoes, it can also be something outside shopping but the principal is the same. Is not easy to beat that feeling of “Ohhh I really really need to have it, or to do it or whatever is it in that matter”. We are only human, we judge things, we do things to impress other people, and appearance is just everything nowadays.

But it’s true what mom said. Among many of my friends, I’m probably one in a hundred that have emergency money, something i never never never touch, I’m probably one in a tenth that have a saving for pension plan outside the plan company set up for me, I’m probably the only one having insurance before I’m even 20. I never had credit card debt (except the one I cannot pay because I’m offshore or I’m abroad prior to the internet banking era), never involve in loan (tried to get a mortgage for house, but couldn’t stand it and end up paying things in 6 months). Is not something I do because I have lots of money, but it’s something I do with sacrifices. I don’t buy expensive stuff, i live like a poor girl for the first 5 years of my job, I don’t go out that much and I only going on vacation once in a while.

I’m not proud to be a stingy girl. I’m trying as much as I can to give away to people, organization, and kids in need. But still, I’m not the most generous person in the house. A friend of mine asked me…if i ever really enjoy life, staying home all the time, only going out for dinner and it’s also because is in Vietnam where things are just cheap. I do enjoy it, being home and relax and running away from all those crazy feeling at work where everyone seems to have the feeling to kill each other. Sometime i do feel jealous of friends who are easily spending thousands of dollars for a handbag or for shoes or for a entertainment. But again, the education my parents keep coming back to my head, and I said “I don’t need it”.